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Post by Alex on Sept 26, 2005 16:01:46 GMT -5
An old, Golden Retriever walked in. His pelt gleamed, his orbs scanned the terra, maybe there was something intresting around to explore. The Golden Retriever's name was Shadow, (Gah, like on Homeward Bound) he knew he was old, but he didn't care. His old family abandoned him (It's not exactly like Homeward Bound), now he lives on the streets, he hasn't made any friends or foes yet, but he knew he would. He kept an eye out for danger, too. So far, nothing was seen except the whole land. He hoped not to make any enemies around this new, strange town. I think I'll like it here, Shadow said in his mind. He liked this place. I know I will. He said in his mind again, he started to walk around, he started to sniff the ground for anything to come across his path, friend or foe. Finally, he sighed and looked around again. He started to walk around, soon, he sped up into a fast trot, exploring the land, Shadow was starting to get hungry. His hunger made him forget about his exploring, he started to lope around, searching for any food to eat. He sniffed some more, still no food. Although, Shadow wasn't going to starve to death, he just wanted a bit to eat.
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Post by Alex on Sept 26, 2005 16:02:57 GMT -5
(If I need to edit it, please tell me and I can add more, it's just that I need to go soon.
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Post by .::Tyrant::. on Sept 27, 2005 13:11:15 GMT -5
Errrr..... I'm afraid you're gonna have to try again (sorry!!!!!) keeping these tips in mind:
Please roleplay in the past tense, all the time. "he hasn't made any friends or foes yet" should be "he hadn't made any friends or foes yet"
Also, make sure we know exactly where your character is, describe the scenery a bit. Don't just say 'Shadow walked in."
Walked in where? What could he see? What could he hear? What could he smell?
Also, add more escription to your character. Explain exactly how he looks, how big he is, what texture his fur is, what color his eyes are.
It might also be nice if you seperated your post into paragraphs.
Sorry for all that! Some people don't like getting advice on their roleplaying... so I hope that wasn't offensive or anything! Just try again, keeping these tips in mind.
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Post by Alex on Sept 27, 2005 15:04:33 GMT -5
OOC: Gah, okay.
Shadow walked in a small forest, Shadow was a golden retriver, his fur was golden, pure gold. His eyes were a very, light shade of brown. He wasn't too small or too big, and he wasn't perfect. A small breeze hit Shadow's fur, making it move a bit. He started to sniff the ground a bit, maybe something was near him.
His orbs looked around the forest, scanning it. All he could see is trees, grass, and the sky, and almost anything that came in his path. He could only hear the sound of the wind and the trees being blown by it, it was a nice, silent sound. He laid down, but still looking around. He liked it here, alot. His tail wagged a little in boredom.
(How's that?)
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Post by .::Tyrant::. on Sept 29, 2005 11:21:04 GMT -5
That's a lot better. Just one major thing:
"All he could see is trees, grass"
Please write in the past tense /all. the time. So the 'is' should be 'was'.
Other than that, it's ok. Keep it up. Accepted.
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